you typedd*:
blog
(Monday, January 26, 2009-)
+11:06 PM]*
# ow.-
ow.
ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.
you're making it harder and harder to breathe...
the story ends like this;
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(Thursday, January 22, 2009-)
+11:01 PM]*
# -
been sick today, sucks.
throat hurts like hell, though the medicine really helped. ponned pe cause of it, which seemed like a good choice since i was asleep for most of the day, through lessons and all.
trials were yesterday, some were not bad i must say. their stick work seems quite good, and i know their vision was way better than mine. still got a looooooong way to go till A div's though.
haiz. you don't know sometimes how much i wish i could make you feel all better.
the story ends like this;
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(Sunday, January 11, 2009-)
+10:24 PM]*
# -
okay here goes.
i think i'm finally done with all the bitter crap i've been feeling over the past few days. i think it could have possibly been just church this morning, that i'm feeling so much better now, so much more hopeful. might be hard to believe, but it seems to make sense.
this line from a worship song struck me this morning:
"oh it's so hard to see
when my eyes are on me"
true huh. think i've been so caught up with myself, with living my own life, chasing my dreams, and above all being so afraid that i'd lose everything, that i forgot how good God has been to me, no matter what i'd done, or what i hadn't.
this doesn't mean that i've forgotten all my regrets or sorrows, but that i've finally been given/ found the strength to carry on, to look at my problems and simply be at peace.
yes, that's it. i've found peace. a serenity that so far, is unshakable. and i know this could only have come from God.
it's still not easy for me to submit my life into His hands, to put my faith completely in Him, to trust that what He gives me will be the best possible scenario. I'm always filled with such doubt and fear, that it always seems better for me to take my life into my own hands, even though i know it's the stupid thing to do.
but then again, maybe it's supposed to be this hard. after all, if it were so easy to trust Him completely, if there were such a lack of doubt, then faith itself would be meaningless, wouldn't it? so maybe it's a good thing to doubt now, then when i finally do trust Him, it'd be so much more significant.
if i do end up trusting Him that much. sigh.
still, i have a lot to do. many things to set right, stuff to salvage, goals to accomplish. and you will always be, a kiss away.
adieu
the story ends like this;
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(Saturday, January 10, 2009-)
+8:59 PM]*
# 1234-32-
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http://webnet77.com/cgi-bin/helpers/blowfish.pl
the story ends like this;
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(Tuesday, January 06, 2009-)
+9:16 PM]*
# is it so wrong?-
so i think i've figured a few more things out today.
hmm, i realised i'm probably quite dumb. maybe the reason why the people i can truly call my friends are precious few and far between, is that i find it so hard to open up, to confide in others, to share my burden.
weird, probably, but the more i think about this, the more sense it makes. it seems to me that everytime i have told others about my problems, i wind up thinking how stupid i had been for even treating the issue as a problem, sometimes mere minutes after. or i'd be worrying if the person i've told my stuff to would think the same.
i guess i'm afraid of being trivial, being mediocre, and completely uninteresting. like the ring left on the shelf; simply not special enough among the host of diamonds i call my peers.
bah. the point is that, it's my fault.
it's my fault that everyone's drifting away. drifted away.
it's my fault that i'm walking further and further into my own shell, and hating the world for it.
it's my fault that i try to numb myself, and wind up pushing everything away.
wishes, hopes and dreams, all of which once seemed as close as the lousy Singaporean grass everywhere, have become as distant as the stars, as impossible as catching a cloud with your hands.
so maybe this is an apology, to those whom have tried to reach out but i'd pushed away. or maybe it's a ranting of a madman, something on which when i look back, i'd laugh at. the real kind of laughter, deep, throaty, hearty and merry.
bah
the story ends like this;
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(Sunday, January 04, 2009-)
+3:01 AM]*
# -
haha ok, so this's the first post of '09. First post in a long time actually, come to think of it. '08's been alright I guess, a lot had happened that's for sure.
hmm I guess one of the biggest things I’ve learnt in the past year is that it’s never easy. And when I say this, I mean nothing’s ever easy, neither sadness nor happiness, neither failure nor success, neither despair nor hope. Life’s never easy, no matter what anyone says or does. It takes a lot out of you, whether you’re falling or running, hoping or despairing, laughing or crying, or just dreaming.
But I guess that’s life, the beauty and agony of it. It has to be hard, otherwise it’d all be pointless, a mere farce, a scam.
It’s been a mad year, and I have many things to be grateful for, as well as many regrets and disappointments. I’ve made new friends, met new confidantes, and lost a few too. From some I have drifted, and it was mainly my fault, and for that I’m truly sorry. I could make a ton of excuses, but the truth was that I was being too petty about the dumbest things, and I couldn’t get over my own selfishness. It hurt a lot, sure, but the friendship should have been more important than that. I screwed up that time, and that will definitely be one of the biggest regrets I have.
And from some others whom I have drifted from, it has been painful. It’s a horrible feeling to grow distant from one friend, while at the same time the same friend grows closer to another. It sucks to know that your best friend ever doesn’t feel the same way, not even close. It sucks to want to tell someone everything that’s going wrong, and being afraid that he’s just going to laugh it off.
So this brings me to another huge lesson from ’08, that it’s okay to be alone. It’s alright to smile for yourself, to try to make yourself happy, to be satisfied being alone, to fight for yourself only. Companionship’s important, granted, but solitude’s underrated.
Yet, I have to be grateful to my closest friends, those who’ve been there for me when I needed them, and even when I didn’t. They’ve been the reason why I managed to make it through ‘08 without too much of the bad stuff, and the contributors of the bubblegum cheer I’ve had.
It’s getting late, and I really should sleep, so I’m gonna end it off here. This isn’t the best start-of-the-year post, nor a fitting tribute to 08, but I’ve said what I needed to say.
adieu
the story ends like this;
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